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Why Did You Quit? Where Have You Been?

It's only fair, since I have been very honest from the start, that I am honest with you now.  Yes, I stopped going to kickboxing.  How, why?!?  I've been trying to avoid this.  Maybe I need to get it out in the open so I can move on.  Who knows, but here goes nothing.  It's definitely personal, so sorry if it gets a little sappy.

It all started in June.  I wasn't feeling right.  I was feeling lightheaded and couldn't shake it.  I even asked on Facebook if the weight loss would have changed my metabolism, and what I was used to eating, 1,200 calories, wasn't enough anymore.  It was bad when I almost passed out in class.  I was doing the normal laps around the gym and I had to stop.  I could feel my legs deaden and I could see stars.  If I didn't stop running then, I was going to fall over.  Luckily, from the first class with Maryann, I knew if I stopped completely I was going to pass out, so I just walked around the gym.  The feeling went away and I continued on.  I definitely did not give it 100 percent the rest of the class.  I knew at that point something was definitely off.  Not having health insurance, I didn't want to go to the hospital or the doctor's to see what was going on.  I know, stupid, but I wasn't looking forward to the $5,000.00 bill for all the tests.

I started eating more, healthy calories of course, and I seemed better.  I figured it was just that, not enough calories.  A couple days later, I was fine.  I figured it was a good idea, though, to get some health insurance.  There was only one other time that this happened to me, right after I found out I was pregnant with Tristan.  I was lightheaded for a week, just something I couldn't shake.  When this hit me, I made Travis run out and get me a pregnancy test --- which was negative.

Still a little scared of the fainting, I cut my classes back to two a week, not at full strength.  The fear of fainting had taken hold of me.

Two weeks later, something still wasn't sitting right with me.  I ran out to the store, got another pregnancy test, cheap one this time.  It was positive.  PREGNANT, what?  That's why I was getting lightheaded - now it clicks!!  I told Travis.  He made me run out and get an expensive one -- the cheap one is lying.  Three tests later, I'm definitely pregnant.  So, what did I do?  I cried.  Yes, horrible, I cried.  Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love children but I am a horrible pregnant person.  With Ary and Tristan, I was sick, in and out of the hospital with dehydration because I cannot stop throwing up.  My blood pressure will drop to 48/80, I cannot do anything.  The heartburn is horrible.  At some point the "all day sickness" stops but the heartburn stays.  This is how I gained all my weight, I ate bread.  Bread makes the heartburn not so bad, kind of soaks it up.  Imagine all the wonderful carbs just sticking to my bones, yep.  On top of all that, I'm lactose intolerant, so the babies take their calcium out of my teeth.  My teeth are insanely horrible, and while pregnant, they start cracking, chipping, and just hurt.

That's all I could think of when I saw the PREGNANT on the test, and I cried.  I wanted the baby, but not the pregnancy, does that make sense?  I just lost 50 pounds, seriously, and now I have to put it back on?!  Well, I was determined not to.  I was reading online about exercising while pregnant, and I read that you shouldn't get your heart rate above 140 so you don't overheat your baby.  So I researched it out and bought a heart rate monitor to wear to kickboxing.  **--This is not 100 percent true, talk to a doctor--**

I didn't even make it to class once with it.  I was outside working in the garden and I didn't feel right, something wasn't right.  I ran into the bathroom and this wave of dread washed over me.  I wanted this baby.  I didn't want it to go away, but I knew that was it.  I called the doctor and she said there's really nothing you can do.  Four days later I had a miscarriage.

...........

So everyone is trying to encourage me and it's not working.  "It wasn't meant to be" "It was God's will" "There was something wrong with the baby" "You have two beautiful children now."  I get it, and I completely understand that, but that doesn't help.  Yes, I've spiraled into a depression that I cannot even do things that I love to do.  It's not just that I lost my baby, it's the whole situation.  I cried when I found out I was pregnant because I was being selfish.  Selfish.  I took for granted a gift I was given from God, I complained about it, and now, it's gone.  How do you get past that?  And yes, I know even if I was happy about it, the baby was not strong enough, for whatever reason, and I lost her.  But now, whenever I think about this, the first thing I will think about is how I was unhappy and I didn't want to be pregnant.  Please, don't get me wrong, I would have loved her from the second I saw her, but the toll pregnancy takes on my body is terrible and I did not want to do it again.

All of that said, I'm not looking for sympathy.  I actually prefer to act like it never happened because I can make it through the day that way.  When I start thinking or talking about it, I can't stop crying, so this way is just easier.

Why am I posting this?  Well, for the few that have been following, it's only fair to know what's really going on.  Since not going to kickboxing for a while, I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things.  I did, however, stumble into running, which is a post for another day.

So, up 10 pounds, I KNOW, how hard I worked to get them off, and to just put them back on, it's very upsetting.  I'm going to trying and get back into a routine with kickboxing, get off the 10 and then continue on my goal.  So, yes, you'll see another 50 pounds post, HA!!  


2 comments:

  1. Oh dear! I'm so sorry for what happened. Sometimes there are really things that we cannot control. It really was a bit of a bad timing to have your pregnancy during such strenuous times. However, I know you'll be able to get back up and continue on with your journey soon. Hoping for the best.
    Carol Baker

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  2. I know you'll be able to get back up and continue on with your journey soon.

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